I have a New Year's resolution this year.

I am going to find and sign up for meditation courses.
I know that I seem like a very zen, quiet and relaxed person and so you might be surprised that I am a big bucket of stress (and rage) rolled up in a layer of apathy (and coated with rage) and then covered with a sprinkling of anxiety (and dipped in yet more rage).
After spending over six hours coming back from Penticton with Michael today, I still had to get all the presents in order to go to my family Christmas dinner tomorrow, in addition to making a four bean salad.  I walk over to Safeway and it's closed.  I thought the best way to remedy this scenario was to step in front of the 229 that was making its way down Lonsdale.
Over react much?
And yeah, it's the holidays and no, a six hour drive from Penticton didn't help and yeah, four bean salad can actually be purchased in its already assembled form if push really comes to shove but what the shit?
Also: I need to stop swearing so much.  I say "what the shit" or just simply "fuuuuuuck" a lot.
But back to my overall anxiety.  Fuuuuuuuck.  When I take a step back it's kind of scary.  I'm a lot like the wind up Christmas penguin that I got in my stocking from my sister in law this year (in that I'm really wound up, not that I walk like a penguin).
Everything's a self-induced struggle with me.  What the shit; it's really exhausting.  And I'm not entirely sure what exactly I am struggling against.
I do, however, know that not only is it wearing on me but it's really wearing on Michael and who wants to be around someone in a perpetual state of exhausting drama?
Fuck knows I don't, and I'm the one in control of this whole mess.
So.  If you read this blog (and god knows you don't) and you notice that February's rolled around and I've whipped myself into a frenzy about how much I hate Valentine's Day and I'm doing my consumerism rant but there's no post about how I'm really enjoying meditation?  You have my blessing to say: "What the shit, man.  What about those meditation courses you were going to take.  Fuuuuuuuck."