Okay, I would never do that.
Mostly I just surreptiously punch him repeatedly in his kidneys and he always wonders why he pees blood in the morning. I do not do well when sleep deprived.
Except I rocked it at the gym today? I think, though, that that was just pent up stress and frustration from work and from the overall general resentment that I wasn't born with exceedingly good looks so that I could marry rich and marry early and be a Kerrisdale housewife who's biggest stressor is making it home from yoga in time to relieve the nanny.
Is it too late for Botox, a boob job and a personality transplant?
Yes. It's far, far too late for that.
I did, however, get ID'd at a wine store on Monday. I almost cried with joy: the selection there was astounding. But it was also nice that someone pretended that I was on the periphery of 19 years of age. I'd say she was angling for a tip, but it was a wine store, not a restaurant.
I'll take it.
What else, what else.
A stressful time right now, with Michael's job and increasingly with mine. With family issues. With our own little tweaks that are keeping us from running free and graceful like the gazelles that we are. Time constraints. I have learned that I internalize other peoples' stress which increases my stress level which benefits no one.
The interesting part of this whole pressure-cooker scenario is learning that I do now have the skills and understanding to cope with it. Retro-Duder was a nightmare to come home to if you couldn't give her your full attention and compliment her left, right and centre for whatever nominal household chore she had accomplished. Current-Duder internalizes her partner's stress (bad) but it motivates her to try and step up to the plate on the household front (good), but she does feel a bit cast aside and alone (bad) but she realizes that her partner is spread thin and that being a simpering bitch benefits no one (good) and she realizes further that she is allowed to be good to herself and so is meeting a friend for drinks at a local pub on Friday night to blow off some steam (good for her/bad for her partner when she wakes him up at 1am to tell him about her epic night).
I don't punch the snoring hubby, I just gently place my feet against him and start pushing, slow and steady. He's only fallen out of bed 3-4 times in the past 31 years.
ReplyDeleteLOL: that's priceless. Pretty good record of pushing versus falling out of bed, I must say.
DeleteThe other night Michael emits this horrible groan so immediately I am awake and I go "What's wrong?!" and he says "I'm so stiff". I was like "Thanks for waking me up at 4am to advise me that you once again overdid it at the gym".
LOL yeah and once when he fell off the bed I acted like he woke me up with the fall and said "OH what happened?" like his fall had woke me up as well as him. But now days he has taken to sleeping in the guest room, amazingly he has stopped falling out of the bed. Tell Michael that when you get to our age and you wake your wife up with the a statement like that, you will have to 'perform'. I would respond with "I'll be the judge of that!"
ReplyDeleteDomestic violence is hilarious...
ReplyDeleteAwww, Anon. Have you been the recipient of such a slow and gentle nudging?
ReplyDeleteCuriously, statistics show that four times as many women abuse their male partners as do males abuse females.
ReplyDeleteIt's somewhat déclassé for someone who blogs about being an enlightened human being to espouse such a vile thing, even if it is in the guise of humour.
Curiously, I have never perpetuated any violence against any partner I have ever had since I lost my virginity at the young and impressionable age of 27 to a rodeo clown (in full dress).
DeleteI have, however, been struck. Also, I managed (barely) to fight off someone who seemed inclined to believed that "No" was merely a polite request.
Moreover, thank you for taking the time to use the accent aigu to gussy up such a great word: declasse
I'm curious too, Anon, as to where you get your stats. Fox News? Bill O'Reilly?
Delete"The landmark National Violence Against Women survey, conducted in 1995-1996, does provide some data. It found that women with male partners experience the highest levels of violence (20.3 percent), followed by men with male partners (15.4 percent), women with female partners (11.4 percent), and, finally, men with female partners (7.7 percent)."
Well deflected, however...
ReplyDeleteWhile it may be socially acceptable in Canada to joke about violence against others, it is disheartening to know that someone who themselves have been a victim of it would tolerate that sort of "humour."
Thanks again, Anon, for your erudite and enlightened insight. While fucking and punching Michael just now, it came to me that it is just "that sort of humour" that helps us deal with everything life throws our way.
DeleteThe alternative is to either actively work to affect change, or to internalize all these external stressors, and then end up kicking the proverbial dog which I would never do because I abhor animal cruelty.
While it would be of some perverse amusement to continue down this path of rational discourse, I wager that it would end in tears for all parties.
ReplyDeleteExeunt Anon.